You know how, when you’re younger, everyone is talking about their twenties? How, in their twenties, everyone is figuring shit out, technically is a grown-up, but has no clue about anything? For me it’s different. So far my twenties aren’t hard at all, they are actually pretty damn amazing.
I always wanted to be an adult. Even as a kid, I felt so smart and couldn’t wait until I could do all the things on my own. My biggest pet peev was that people didn’t take me seriously, looked down on me, just because I was young. But then, the night I turned 20 – everything changed. It was almost as if that heavy weight I’d been carrying around had dropped off my shoulders and I was free. Sounds so dramatic, but I can honestly say, I feel like a totally new me. Ever since then, I’ve been doing things differently. All the statements I made in my last post, are products of that change, it made me be who I am today and only the universe knows who I’ll become in the future.
All the things I used to be.
I used to be a very cocky, strong teenager, just because I thought, what was going on on the inside, wasn’t “cool” enough.
I used to be very good at school and university, going after the goals I “was supposed” to have.
I used to be so scared of everything, which resulted in me not wanting to feel anything at all most of the time.
I used to never wanna leave my home.
I used to be the biggest perfectionist, everything had its time, place and order.
I used to have a plan for everything, without one I would feel so lost.
I used to never leave the house without make-up, thinking my bare face wasn’t pretty.
I used to never say no, wanting to please everyone, but me.
I used to get black-out drunk, trying to escape reality, just for a couple of hours.
I used to be so pessimistic, that “fuck my life” was actually the slogan of my year 2016.
I used to be such a heavy person, I couldn’t find lightness in any situation.
I used to feel overwhelmed by most things, so I just watched TV-shows on end.
I used to hate any kind of physical movement.
Here’s to all the things that changed.
I am now sharing so much of what’s going on inside of me, with so many people, believing the only way out of a situation is through it and by speaking about what you’re going through, you’re taking its power over your mind away. Openness is the real “cool”.
I am now following my dreams. The things that I want to do, being unconventional, not acting on what others think I “should” do.
I am now facing my fears. Purposefully doing the things that scare the shit out of me. Going on a solo-trip to a place I’ve never been to. Skipping a semester at university to go to California, just because I can. Getting a dog, knowing it is a huge responsibility. Opening up my heart to new people and situations, knowing I could get hurt.
I am now a big travel-lover. The thought of visiting a new place excites me every time.
I am now letting go of old patterns. Not freaking out every time something wasn’t in its exact spot.
I am now switching things up on purpose. Doing things differently, forcing change. As my mantra says “Change is my constant.” Not getting too comfortable with a routine, not wanting a plan for the next two years. Going with the flow, life will unfold.
I am now only wearing make-up on very special occasions and for the right reasons, knowing my face is goddamn beautiful, without that color on it. (Still cocky, as you can see.)
I am now thinking about offers, questions, favors more carefully, making myself the priority, even if that means I will piss people off or seem selfish.
I am now not drinking anymore, I haven’t been for the last six months and am so proud of myself for dealing with situations in a healthy way, instead of escaping them.
I am now trying to keep my mind the happiest, most colorful, bright and sparkling place you could imagine. The goal is to take up so much optimistic space, that the pessimistic words need to leave.
I am now so much lighter, in every aspect of life. Dragging all that weight around with me was exhausting.
I am now tackling one thing at a time, knowing how amazing it feels to get shit done. Also, knowing what shit doesn’t need to get done, helped a lot.
I am now a yoga teacher. Moving my body is my job, my passion. I am now so freaking awesome, 16-year old Pari would think I come straight out of a horror movie. I am moving, I am active, I am alive.
I am now alive. I am living this life, trying to make it the best I could imagine. Working hard on the parts that need to be worked on and letting go of the ones that I don’t need anymore.
This blogpost might be the most personal yet, opening up about so many wounds that needed to be healed. It’s funny how much people change. Meeting someone I’ve known way back is very odd. How do you tell someone, that you are still you, but also a totally different person? Like, yes, I still have the same face, body, my name is still Pari and the smile you remember is still here, but my attitude changed, I have a completely different world view now and am probably nothing like you remember me.
That teenage-Pari is still a part of me, I needed her. All of that was necessary to get to where I am now and many more changes will be needed to get to where I will be in the next decades to come.
But for now, I am me.
I always have been.